What the F–k is Wrong With Me?!

My boy Charlie was right—

Not this Charlie…

these are the best of times and worst of times.

Yes, as many of you all know, I had an amazing expedition to and through Asia this summer. As many of you may not know, I even got to embrace and kiss beautiful women in Thailand & Japan (for a fee).

I’m now sitting on my parent’s porch, shoeless, out in the bucolic Kentucky countryside.

How could I possibly feel like I’m down in a hole?

As Alice in Chains’ has stated so aptly, “I have been guilty of kicking myself in the teeth. ”

Yet,I’ve also found myself devolving within a spiral of increasingly abrasive circumstances.

Day before I left on my expedition, I injured myself in a track workout. Never a fun event for one whose life revolves in many ways around distance running. 48 hours later, I was being wheelchaired off our 767 into the Hong Kong International Airport. Welcome to Asia…YEAH!

So, not running for a month while visiting so many incredible running locales–those sacred mountains in Japan, those amazing looking pathways along rivers in Seoul–was like stealing breath from my lungs. Traveling, vacationing, for me must involve running. Plus, I had to cancel myself out of a track race in Tokyo. Would’ve been my first ever international race abroad. I’d also been considering this as a centerpiece of my entire Asian adventure.

In January, my girlfriend of nearly 5 years booted me the hell out of her life–exactly one week after she departed our apartment for medical school.

Many great times were spent April-early July with a woman who kept good company. Gardens, parks, museums, wonderful vegan foods. 3 weeks ago. That’s the last I heard from her. Nary a “travel safely,” “you didn’t get abducted by the Yakuza, did you?” or even a “did you ever make it back alive?” inquiry. Just…gone.

I met a vegan NYU law student in a vegan joint in Seoul! Meant to be? We exchanged messages several times. Here’s what happened yesterday when I told her she is pretty and asked her to dinner:

Literally within a minute, she blocked the shit out of me and unfriended me from FB.

So (tragically) funny….if it wasn’t actually my life.

Meanwhile, probably not a good sign career-wise when you’re actually hoping to get excessed from your teaching job; or even fired. Just typing that sends my heart a flutter.

After 11 years, I now have  zero passion for teaching in NYC public schools. There have been many great times and wonderful opportunities along the way. But now I’m merely treading water. Comfortable with benefits but knowing there are so many other mountains I could be climbing–literally and figuratively speaking.

I’ve also felt so detached all summer from some folks in New York who I was becoming better friends with all spring; not to mention a running coach. Suddenly, there are so few folks to speak with.

And I’ve been estranged from my best friend of all time for 3 years, 2 months now.

So, I am home now with my parents, nieces, nephews. And this is awesome. Yet, life is short! I never want to look back, wondering what could have been. I want to emulate folks like my friend Timmy, boy from tiny Indiana town who’s lived for at least twelve years now in the Atlas Mountains of Morocco, becoming fluent in Arabic & French and freelance writing as he and his wife co-operate a bicycle tourism outfit.


Perhaps most of all, I do not want to live alone. I want to experience life with a partner.

Well, at least for now I had my 5.5 miles today.  YES!! I am reviving. Check out the route I ran earlier…

Could there be hope for me yet??

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