Why Would You?

After being told I’m a “great friend” but don’t have it in me to be a good husband or father why would I still want to call my girlfriend, er, ex-girlfriend? Because it is too difficult for me to write those two little letters: e-x.

We all know there will be challenges. We know every relationship will blend a blinding serenity of dawn with harsh shadows of falling darkness. Couples understand this and push forward. Warm embraces of the sun are just too precious to forgo.

And so I pushed on. We had our moments, of course. Shadows fell, but there was so much light.

Cruising the entire rugged coastline of Baja California, dolphins tracing our path into Mexico, we rode.

My ill-conceived decision to invest in Walt Disney World real estate while in another relationship years back transformed into appreciation during our magical Disney cruise and our two week long stays at Saratoga Springs and Old Key West resorts.

Through hilly bluegrass countryside, spontaneous swimming in the warm Caribbean water of Curacao, exploring the groves of a cacao plantation in the Dominican Republic, and nearly seven weeks of a road trip through fourteen states–we embraced.

Dido on the radio, her favorite show “Fringe” on the tv, Trader Joe’s and Central Park weekends. We pushed that damned gray shopping cart around everywhere!

The clouds were transient.

Somehow, some way, within one week of my great friend’s move to medical school–the goal we had both worked towards for her for so long–she informed me I just don’t have what it takes, what she needs.

Not generous enough financially. Self-centered. Just not the man she needs—wants.

Our cat Charlie lays on her gray sweatshirt and vanilla bra all day every day.

My  proposed trip to visit her at school this summer, my longing to hold her again, the touch of her immeasurably full lips, her steps across the apartment–just that way she would walk like only she could walk…

It’s gone.

But schizophrenia moves in. Not willing to believe I am single, but hearing again and again that I am, I am torn.

The sun outside my window is so, so bright. The air is so crisp, so cool…I long for the embrace.

Inside: darkness.





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